abandonment

just realized it's the last day of november and i've posted nothing on phos... so i'll share something i wrote in an email yesterday for the sake of time. and because it really has me thinking.

okay. i'm reading a book by jeanne guyon, written in the late 17th century, titled "experiencing the depths of Jesus Christ." it was sent to me by two dear friends, ron and ruth, who provide pastoral care to yfc missionaries. they visited me in october, and sent this book upon their return to washington. when i was seemingly (and perhaps truly) in the depths of despair last week, r&r asked if i had read the book they sent. i immediately snatched it up, reaching for anything to touch my hardening heart.

it's really a simple book. it's meant to be especially useful to the uneducated and illiterate. i know, a book for the illiterate... but it could be read aloud. anyway, it's short. but i'm reading slowly. really slowly. this morning i read about abandonment, and came across something i'm not totally comfortable with. it's good to get uncomfortable... it's how we grow...

here's the passage: "remember, you must never blame man for anything. no matter what happens, it was neither man nor circumstances that brought it. you must accept everything (except, of course, your own sinfulness) as having come from your Lord."

hmm.

i mean, i'm all for abandonment, though it doesn't come easily. something to be learned again every day. and boy, is it freeing! but to say that all things, even bad things, come from God? except my own sin... but what about another's sin? what about when someone sins against me? of course God can use that, and has used that, and does use that... but to say that that too is from God? maybe i'm misunderstanding the passage.

simple

i have a song stuck in my head back from the days of church camp. the chorus goes like this… “teach me simple things. help me understand. take me by my hand, and teach me simple things.”

i’ve been reflecting on how much easier it is to appreciate the simple things here in africa (especially the past couple of days i’ve spent in the village) and how God teaches us through simplicity. i think as i’m realizing the Source of every simple blessing, i loose some of the vanity that comes with the more complex (or contrived) activities and accumulations. when looking at the complex, i can attribute some aspects of “greatness” to myself, forgetting that everything has a simple beginning, and that God is responsible for the most elemental details.

another song come to mind: “tis the gift to be simple, tis the gift to be free, tis the gift to come down where we ought to be. and when we find ourselves in the place just right, t’will be in the valley of love and delight. when true simplicity is gained, to bow and to bend we shant be ashamed. to turn, turn, will be our delight; till by turning, turning, we come round right.”

little faith

every sunday, most of the missionaries and other christian expats get together for english fellowship. yesterday we were talking about the story of Jesus walking on water, and peter walking out to meet Him, then sinking in his fear (matthew 14:22-33). someone made the statement that when Jesus says to peter, “you of little faith, why did you doubt?” that He’s pointing out peter’s self doubt. peter doesn’t doubt Jesus, as Jesus is still standing there on the water… what’s to doubt? but peter doubts himself and God in him.

i’d never looked at the story that way, and i need to reflect on it more… but it certainly resonates with my experience. how often do i doubt the greatness God has called me to, even in the face of His deeds in my life and the world around me? when i think i’m not capable of doing what asks, i’m doubting myself, yes… but doubting God simultaneously as i doubt His ability to make me great or do great things through little me. so self doubt isn’t so much humility as it is disobedience with a scapegoat.

hmm. interesting.

time capsule

i write a lot. blog postings are probably 1/20 of what i write in any given day, not including writing stuff for work. i have a journal on my computer and two journals that i write to God in… one stays by my bed, the other in whatever bag i’m carrying around with me at any given time.

i’m almost finished with the journal that currently lives by my bed. i started it in july of 2006 on my way to pakistan. this morning i read through all the entries up till this date a year ago. i was kinda afraid of what i might find, knowing some of those days would describe heartache i’d rather not re-live, but i was surprised to find that even the heartache was laced with large doses of hope and expectation. i thought i’d publish a few excerpts here.

july 11, 2006, “When Farhan’s mother prays, I feel as if our hearts are connected and we are speaking to You together. I love all the rituals and ceremonies that make this marriage so sacred. I want my own marriage to be as focused on You; an act of worship.” the women in farhan’s family prayed so much for his marriage, it was touching.

july 13, 2006, “Thank you for giving me such a loving family and supportive friends. I pray for Mike—bless our relationship and shape our hearts to reflect your will only. Lord, I love you.” i still thank God for family and friends, and God definitely worked on Mike’s and my hearts to make room for His will.

july 14, 2006, “Lord, I pray that I would learn what is in Your heart for me while I am here and that I would be ready for the life you have prepared for me.” it’s while i was in pakistan that i started feeling more called to missions abroad.

july 29, 2006, “Lord, I pray that you would bless Paige ad me with a roommate that will bless this house.” anne marie was one of the best blessings all year! i can’t imagine life last year without her living down the hall.

august 9, 2006, “So Lord, here is my dream. I don’t know why You want it back since You gave it to me in the first place, but I trust You to bless me in my obedience. Since this is what You want, I ask You to grant me the strength and courage to do so.” this had to do with a relationship, and i do think the end result is greater than that which i had to let go of.

august 14, 2006, “I feel You calling me to the Church, and I pray you would show me more fully what that means and grant me a job that fulfills my desire to serve You and love Your people. These days I’m almost scared to pray for an amazing life, but it is my desire.” indeed. look at where that got me!

august 21, 2006, “I think sometime we’ll laugh together.” ha!

september 10, 2006, “Lord, I pray to you about Africa. Lord, if this is your will, I pray that you would open doors and confirm my every step so that I am walking with You.” i wrote this before i even interviewed with yfc.

september 26, 2006, “Lord, I pray that you would give me clear indicators regarding YFC and Benin specifically. Sometimes I feel discouraged, but I know that doesn’t negate the possibility of me serving there. I pray that You would make the decision in my heart.” yep, that’s what i was praying exactly a year ago today. wow.

1 corinthians

while i was in colorado this summer, i came to the realization that i had given the bible considerably little time and thought compared to the numerous works i’ve read for st. john’s and beyond. when i do read the bible, i typically pay attention to what makes me feel good, and steer clear of the rest. why? so i’ve set out to do a more thorough reading of the bible. reading whole books at once instead of excerpts, noting what makes me feel good or uncomfortable or confused. asking questions. re-reading. it gives me lots to think about.

here are some thoughts on 1 corinthians.

“has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?... for the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom.” (1:20, 25). certainly, yes. i encounter this in myself and with my more intellectual friends. faith does seem foolish at times, which is part of what makes it faith. if everything made sense, there would be no room for wonder, mystery, God.

chapters 5 and 6 are troubling to me. paul says to condemn the sexually immoral person in their group (he’s referring to a man who took his mother as a bride) and to not even share a meal with him. it’s a pretty hard line. he seems to change his tune a bit in 2 corinthians, though, which i’ll touch on later.

“i have become all things to all men so that by all possible means i might save some.” (9:22). paul is talking about how he meets people where they are, much like Jesus did. he says more about this, and there’s much to be learned from it, i think.

God always gives me a way out of temptation (10:15)… whether i chose to accept that way is up to me, though.

chapter 13, the famous love chapter. one of my friends used to get annoyed when chapter 13 was read at weddings, since the context of the chapter is actually dissention among the corinthians, not the harmony a marriage ceremony is to represent. he was encouraged, though, when a minister actually addressed that truth during the wedding. perhaps acknowledging the context of the passage actually makes it that much more appropriate to a marriage with its ups and downs. regardless, i think this definition of love is beautiful. “and now these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love.”

why abiding is important

it's been ages since i've posted on phos. it really does require making time, but being intentional is good. something i need to work on.

one reason abiding with Christ in God's love is important is because it's how God speaks to us. here's a passage on guidance i'm copying from e. stanley jones' abundant living. lorraine lent me the book. this a long and a good read...

if guidance gives to life a sense of mission and the sense of accountability every moment, then how does God guide us?

i suppose the great problem to God is how to guide us and not override us. He must guide us and develop us as persons at the same time. to lead us and at the same time produce initiative in us is a task worthy of divine wisdom. that task is the problem of every thinking parent. many parents are benevolent tyrants, snuffing out initiative and personality. guidance must be such that each person is guided into a free, self-choosing, creative personality.

to do this God will guide in many ways, awakening the personality to aliveness and alertness of mind and spirit to His hidden leadings. God's leadings should be sufficiently obvious to be found, but not so obvious as to do away with the necessity of thought and discriminating insight. they must be "an open secret"--open, yet sufficiently secret to make us dig.

God will guide us in one or more or all of these ways: (1) He gives general guidance through the character and person of Christ. Christ lets us know what God is like, and, therefore, what we must be like. (2) He guides us through the collective experience of the Church--the corporate wisdom gathered through the ages. (3) He guides through the counsel for good people. (4) He guides through opening providences--matching us against some opening opportunity or need. (5) He guides through natural law and its discoveries through science. (6) He guides through a heightened moral intelligence and insight--we become personalities who are capable of exercising sound moral judgments. (7) He guides us through the direct voice of the Spirit within us--He speaks to us in unmistakable terms in the depths of our being.

the probabilities are that God will guide us in more than one of these ways, lest one method narrow us.

told you it was long. but really... wouldn't spending time in the intentionally conscious presence of God make it easier to be guided? i mean, God is omni-present, but we're not omni-aware. intentional abiding is what's needed.

and i love the room for creativity.

casting cares

1 pierre 5:6-7
"humiliez-vous donc sous la puisante main de Dieu, afin qu'Il vous eleve en temps voulu. dechargez-vous sure lui de tous vos soucis, car Il prend soin de vous."

1 peter 5:6-7
"humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. cast all you anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

the greek for cast is "to hurl" which is pretty strong. how often do we cast our cares on God? i tend to hand them over gingerly. i think maybe i'm afraid to hurl them for fear of not being able to pick them back up later. like i'm comfortable with my cares. i want them close by sometimes because i've come to know them so well. but gosh, it's heavy at times. and surely God can care for them better than i. and surely there are better things for me to get cozy with.

practice casting.

serenity

i never update phos at work, but i have a few minutes to kill before i head to class, and i'm reading the serenity prayer (it's on a note card on my desk so i can look at it frequently). most people just refer to the first part, but the prayer in it's entirety is quite special, so i'll share.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
courage to change the things i can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
living on day at at time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as i would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if i surrender to his will;
that i may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
amen.

~reinhold niebuhr

i'd say that sums it up...

what? i'm angry?

i tend to think of myself as a very easy going, not angry, pretty forgiving person. i'm a people pleaser. and getting angry doesn't please people too much. but recently i've found that i've been harboring some anger, without even knowing what or who i've been angry about. i have a tendency to gloss over hurt rather than dealing with it.

but this doesn't lend itself to forgiveness at all... in order to forgive, i first have to acknowledge the hurt and walk through the accompanying feelings. i don't need to lash out, but i don't need to ignore my feelings either.

so don't let the sun go down on your anger (ephesians 4:26), but do let yourself realize your anger so you can forgive.

give love

considering the hard time i give my friends for not updating their blogs, it's a shame i haven't posted on phos in nearly two months. perhaps it's because this blog is primarily for my own spiritual growth, and i've lately taken to other activities to further the development of my faith. nonetheless, i appreciate how phos is a chronicle of what has spoken to me at different times, and to that end i want to keep it current.

one of the books i've been reading of late is henri nouwen's "the spirituality of fund-raising." a friend of mine tipped me off on this book, and i'm very grateful. what i like about this book is it frames fund-raising in the context of love, which is very much how i'm wired. the first page of the book says, "make love your aim" (1 corinthians 14:1) and the last page of the book says, "love never ends" (1 corinthians 13:8). here are some of the things nouwen says about giving:

those who need money and those who can give money meed on the common ground of God's love.

asking people for money is giving them the opportunity to put their resources at the disposal of the Kingdom.

people have such a need for friendship and for community that fund-raising has to be community-building.

there's a lot more that he says a lot better than i could ever say. his words are helpful to me, not because they tell me what to do, but because they remind me that my primary purpose is to love... that is why i am asking others for support (to take my love to benin) and it is how i should ask others for support (loving those i come into contact with).

it's all about the love.